Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
