Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
