A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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