I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
