Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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