Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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