There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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