I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
