Your mouth is God's brothel.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
