I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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