a queef is a wish your heart makes.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
