I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
