man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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