Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
