I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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