I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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