Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
