just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
