And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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