I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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