i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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