The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
