Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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