I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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