we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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