so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
