Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
