Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
