I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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