omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
