seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
