lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
The air taste purple.
Randomize
