On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
