Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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