I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You need Xanax blowdarts
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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