I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
