Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
