If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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