Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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