dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
