When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
