I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
