you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
