im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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