I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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