Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
