I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
