He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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