i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
