My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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