Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
